My Life and Film

For anyone who knows me well enough, or reads this blog on a regular basis, I love movies. I love watching them, reviewing them and dissecting what they mean in minute detail. I'm a cinephile through and through and I'm not afraid to shout it from every rooftop in all the land. To me, movies are the most misunderstood form of art that humans perceive and when I talk to people in depth about film, I get a lot of blank stares. It's cool to read and discuss books at length and talk through the characters and the themes. You're somewhat revered if you can discuss a painting in great detail. To critic food is seen as a useful skill even. But to me I've always felt looked down upon for my love of films. Now I've been wanting to write a post like this for a long time now so I hope this is received as well as I'd planned. This is the story of how my affiliation with movies came about, how it helped me through the toughest period of my life and some of the problems that has made me feel like I'm looked down upon for talking about what I love. This is my life and film.

Now as everyone does, I remember watching movies. Sure they weren't great and I didn't review them or saw them for what they are but for me, movies like 2004's Thunderbirds and Looney Tunes Back in Action were where my love began to blossom. Looking back of course I can see those two movies that I revered in my childhood aren't so good on rewatch but everything starts from humble beginnings and all. I remember however being obsessed from an early age with the three original Star Wars movies, watching over and over again. I always remember fondly, waiting with anticipation come Christmas time to see what my uncle had brought me and without fail it was Star Wars memorabilia. If any one person could be pinpointed to "blame" for my cinephillia then it's my uncle. Having worked as a production designer on countless TV shows, a lot of the Star Wars gifts he got me were books on the production design and the history of George Lucas's creation. I was fascinated and enthralled by what I was learning and these early books were the starting spark of my love. It opened up a huge world and from that moment on I started to realise how much effort that must go into so many disciplines (such as costume design, direction and music) and how much needs to go right for a movie to be a success. Making a movie is an art form.

I didn't really start to, or want to, review movies in any way though until I came across the movie Birdman. This was starring the fantastic Michael Keaton and won Best Picture at the Oscars back in 2014. Till this day this is still my all time favourite film. To me it was perfect in every way. Elegantly and inventively directed, -a tour de force in acting from everyone involved and loaded with themes and motifs that everyone can easily relate to. The moment I left the cinema, I was dying to talk to someone about what I'd just seen and never ever stop. I wanted to see if other people felt the same way I did and so I opened up YouTube and typed in "Birdman review." I was greeted by one man in particular and someone who has been a huge influence on my writing style going forward. That man is Chris Stuckmann and I'm just gonna put it out there publicly, and on record, thank you so much man. You've been an inspiration to me!

Now I don't read. And yes before the gasps become unbearably loud I should clarify some minute details. I can read, always have done, it's just unlike many others I take no enjoyment from it. I find reading even the smallest of passages from any book to be labourious and actually strenuous. I suffer from a condition called Irlen Syndrome. It's a perceptual condition that effects the way in which my brain can process information in a similar way as dyslexia and this makes reading difficult for me.

Now I applaud those who do enjoy it, I wish I could too. But what I've found when I enter into conversation with book lovers and people ask "what's your favourite book?" and I reply with something along the lines of "oh I don't really read, I'm more of a film fan." The looks of disgust I get are quite something. I get the feeling from a lot of book obsessed lovers that they ooze a sense that they're intellectually superior because of what they love. I feel looked down upon and judged by many because my chosen love is different to theirs. And it's not just dirty looks either, many times I've had people verbally call me out for it. "Movies are for people not intellectual enough to love reading!"  It makes me feel demoralised as I know in myself that it's not because I'm any less intellectually worthy that I don't read for fun, but because of the condition I've suffered with for years now. Besides, as I've already touched on, there are plenty of elements to a good movie that would intellectually challenge you. There's as much to dissect in film as there is in literature, and I hope this view becomes more widespread as people begin to realise the beauty in cinema. It is no one's prerogative to demean something that someone else loves and place themselves onto a pedestal in the process

Now last summer, I experienced the darkest period of my life so far, and to say I'm okay, even now, would be a lie. I felt like my life was closing in around me, as my family was crumbling, friends abandoned me, relationships fell apart, I failed in my academia and experienced a shocking health scare. I haven't spoken too publicly about this and it's not something I wear on my sleeve but I was severely depressed for a long time and suffered from extreme anxiety. I'd hurt myself because I believed that fundamentally I deserved it, that I needed to suffer. Many a night during my freshers week at university was spent locked in my room, alone and crying in the corner because I felt suffocated by the situation. At times I even contemplated suicide. I felt completely alone in my pain and could not see a solution. 2016 was the hardest year of my life and I genuinely scrapped through by the skin of my teeth. And I'm still reeling from the repercussions of last year.

I'm not telling you this so to illicit an outpour of support and well wishes for my mental health. I'm doing it to prove a point. During the dark times there was one thing and one thing only that could illicit any sense of happiness within me and that was watching movies. As simple as it seems the easy escapism of my favourite films gave me hope. I could simply switch on my Blu Ray player and bung in anything and off I went. One moment I could be a superhero, off saving the world from villainy and a cowboy the next. These worlds gave me so much joy and reviewing them gave my life so much more focus and direction in a time of great turbulence for me. I've heard a lot of people who've suffered from mental health problems in the past tell me that it's the little things that get you through and I'd finally come to realise how true they are. A seemingly mundane viewing of the movie Aliens for example could've been the difference between a simple smile on my face or having my attention turned to other, less healthy ways to deal with the way I was feeling. Movies may well have saved my life.

So to side track ever so momentarily for one moment I'd like to just take this opportunity to say this to anyone out there who may feel the way I did, please, take comfort in the small things that make you happy. It doesn't have to be movies, it could be anything from Communist memes to the Capuchin monkey. Take solace in any and all forms of escapism you have to hand like I did, and one day very soon, as it did for me, the world will look a little brighter I swear. You are not alone in your pain.

So that's that! A collection of random tidbits and memories of how my love of film came about, the troubles facing cinephiles today and how reviewing movies provided a useful form of escapism during a difficult time in my life. I hope it's entertained and enlightened you and over time I will be revisiting this topic as more thoughts come to mind.

Stay tuned for my review of Guardians of the Galaxy 2 that'll be coming later this week and as well as that I will be revisiting the Alien franchise movies in order in preparation for Alien: Covenant arriving next month.